A few years ago I lived in an apartment complex in Paonia. A conflict was occurring between two of my neighbors. Energies were high and it seemed quite possible that one or both might be kicked out.
I was curious if there might be some form of mediation that honors and uplifts individual autonomy. What I found in my search was “Transformative Mediation”.
In Transformative Mediation, the mediator’s goal is not “agreement”. The mediator’s goal is that each party gains a greater sense of personal competence to deal with the situation, and an increased understanding of themselves and the other party. The theory being, if we accomplish this, then the participants in the conflict will actually gain the emotional intelligence to resolve the conflict themselves.
Brilliant! This was exactly what I was looking for. It seemed like not only an effective tool for resolving conflict, but a wise way of going through life. And I found that the method resonated with me as the way I like to interact with people anyway. So I did apply these concepts, not formally, but just through being a friend and a shoulder to lean on for both parties. Perhaps that served as a pressure release valve, and perhaps my gentle nudging for them to understand the other person’s perspective may have helped.
In any case, I’d like to share it with you here, because:
- I’m thinking this could play a role within the County Fence, somehow…
- It seems like a super valuable skill to develop within the community.
In TM, the mediator’s goal is not “agreement”. So they view the conversation very differently than a counselor or a lawyer might. TM is based on a theory that when conflict occurs, it’s because of a breakdown in the parties’ ability to:
- Perceive themselves as competent/capable
- Feel a sense of connection or understanding to the other party
Unfortunately, when this occurs, it can create an amplification cycle where the more party A expresses these qualities, the more doubt and disconnection party B feels… and as these feelings are projected both at themselves and each other, they both get deeper and deeper into negative emotions.
So how do we get out of this cycle? A TM mediator takes a very gentle approach. The goal is to increase the parties’ sense of personal autonomy and competence, so to lead the conversation for them to a destination that the mediator has independently determined would be counter productive - that wouldn’t allow them to exercise their autonomy at all! Instead the TM mediator uses a set of gentle interventions:
- reflection
- summarization
- check-ins
- staying back.
As you can see there is no injecting of the mediator’s own realizations or agendas into the conversation. He’s simply ensuring that the parties have the chance to fully articulate their intentions, thoughts, and emotions. And when they make progress towards clarity and competence, he acknowledges and encourages. But he gives the parties the chance to do that in their own time.
Wow! What if more people had this skill? Imagine the situations that could be difused.
Here is a great video from the founder of TM that goes into more detail.
I think for The County Fence, we could embrace this approach in two ways:
- moderators, facilitators, or other community leaders trained in or at least familiar with Transformative Mediation
- what if we trained an AI bot that would intervene with a person about to shit post with something highly reactive and inflammatory
- AI bot could be the ‘calm cowboy’ - maybe something like this
Those are my thoughts for now. Just wanted to share the ideas and see what people think.
Best wishes!
Brandon